My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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