party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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