How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
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Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
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Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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