Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
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