There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
