So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
