god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
