So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
