tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
