You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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