I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
