So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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