Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
