She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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