drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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