I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
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As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
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You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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