I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
