I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
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You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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