She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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