a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
