there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
