dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
