I bet he comes in French.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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