I just cut my nipple shaving
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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