I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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