Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sorry about my life...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
