i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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