Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
