I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
