Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
