Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
