Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
