I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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