1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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