Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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