Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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