Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
