i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
