I wanna bring you to show and tell
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
