ya dads aren't the best wingmen
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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