A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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