i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
