I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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