miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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