I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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