if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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