I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
