I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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