No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
