did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
look no pants
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
