So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am puke
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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