Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
