I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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