drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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