I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
