I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
