cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
